A few months ago during a socially distant, outdoor ayahuasca ceremony, I was immersed in a high-definition, 3-dimensional simulated experience of every step I needed to take to get to “the next level” of my life. The path was filled with uncomfortable moments and pain-points, but when I finally got to that “next level,” I felt what could only be described as a blissful sense of nirvana.
So I grabbed my notebook and the moment I was about to start writing everything down, the entire simulation collapsed in on itself until it was the size of a piece of paper that then shredded into ribbons and fell into the various crevices of my brain.
I then frantically tried to write down the fragments of things I could only slightly remember, but there was such little light and my vision was so impaired that I couldn’t see what I was writing. Here’s a pic of what that shit show looked like.
This showing-me-everything-then-taking-it-all-away thing was a tactic ayahuasca had used on me before. I’m not supposed to know all of the answers right now. If I did, I would fuck it up or try to cut corners. There is no such thing as a destiny set in stone. There is only taking the next correct step. Then the next. And so on.
In my experience of using plant medicine over the years, specifically ayahuasca, it hides information in parts of your brain that you’re not ready to use right then. But the moment you are ready, it triggers the release of that in-ceremony memory, and then you experience it as a simultaneous flashback and psychic download. I’ve had this happen at least a hundred times. Something totally benign happens in normal daily life, triggering a powerful flashback that then reminds me of a very specific thing I need to know at exactly that moment.
Yesterday, when I found out I’d lost my job over a Zoom video call, I had that same experience. A full body-mind flashback to the unfolding simulation and an immediate knowing that as difficult and scary as this is, it’s something that had to happen to get to where I need to go.
The past few months of quarantining have been some of the most difficult of my life. Part of that has been my mom battling COVID-19 and feeling a lot of fear about the future, but another part of it has been waking up to the truth of who and what I am and the concept that it’s unlikely I’ll ever go back to being what I was.
While most people know me for jokes or comedy, that’s just a sliver of who I am. I have bigger, deeper, and more important things that I want to share. And in the exact moment of my firing, I was flooded with the total and complete knowing that it was time for me to be more vocal about things I’ve been hesitant to share.
If you only like me for jokes, this newsletter probably won’t be for you. If you’re open to hearing about psychic experiences, channeling, psychedelics, altered states of consciousness, breathwork, energy work, healing trauma, holistic healing, spontaneous healing, and other things in that realm, then this will be for you.
I want to go deep and get honest and weird and find other people who are into those things, as well. I don’t think you can find your people in this lifetime unless you’re willing to get extremely raw, honest, and vocal about who you are. And I don’t feel like continuing in this new socially-distanced world is going to work for me unless I can connect with more like minds. So that’s what this is.
Subscribe if you are into it. Leave when you want. This might be daily for a while then become weekly. Who knows. Let’s see where it goes.